As I sit here after 20 constant days of being ill, I reach to my Daddy. As you know, I have had my share. So when this came as a simple virus, I didn’t pay it any attention. I had been through so many major things, this was just a blip in the radar. However, this little bugger had gotten so strong that the medications proved worthless, time has also not helped. Yet again many words were spoken over me. Tough things to hear about yourself and your inabilities. Even though knowledge is a beautiful thing, it’s important to know how to decipher these words and find God in it. Sometimes when your body is struggling, it is hard to stand on the promises because your symptoms are the only thing you can focus on. The words spoken last night brought up the same doom that was spoken over me in December. I had some undesirable testing in the middle of that month and I won’t go into what I have been diagnosed with in my writing today because that’s not my label, but just to put things into perspective I will share a little bit. Yup, the tests showed things (yucky things that are NO FUN) and physically my body seems to read exactly as they say. However, I am blessed enough to have had miraculous healings in my past. I believe they are there to remind me of how capable He is. He is higher than any medical label! I stand not on what it looks (or feels) like, I will stand on His WORD! The world may call it denial, but I call it necessity to thrive. Even when I am unable to do certain things, He redirects me to a much easier way. Instead of looking at my disabilities, I focus on my ability to keep going! I am so blessed!!! I am aware I could probably fill out disability papers and get approved, but I absolutely love my job!! I want to work for as long as I possibly can for it honestly brings me absolute joy! My focus at work is on so much and therefore I don’t have time to wallow in my own trials. AMEN to that!!!

So many times I feel so similar to Job. I have lost so much in this world. What a surreal feeling it is to stand aside and see things fade away…money, health, hope, joy…At times I felt so robbed. As if I owned these in the first place. I had to be reminded that these gifts are from God alone and sometimes in my lackadaisical ways, He needed to remind me of this.

The word lackadaisical means lacking enthusiasm and determination; carelessly lazy. I dug a bit further and searched synonyms. Google is such a reliable friend! There were many to choose from, but the ones that hit me the hardest was spiritless, passionless, lukewarm, and half hearted.

Ouch

I simply used google to help me spell that word so that one day when my children read my many journals I will look so scholarly and yup, you guessed it! Google rescued me once again to spell that word correctly!! Haha. I never thought I would get a life lesson all in one word.

God never ceases to amaze me when I actually still myself to hear. The one positive thing I can draw out of feeling ill and being forced to rest is this.

Our lives are filled to the max with so many noises….family, work, sickness, drama, relationships, money, depression, LIES

This chaos binds us up and all I can picture is these chains wrapping around and around. They restrict any forward movement. The heaviness makes us feel weakened. Hope of a brighter day fades into a memory.

THIS IS NOT GOD’S BEST

His word sets all and I mean ALL captives free. Free from all bondage whatever your vise may be. He is more than enough to break it. Suicide, addictions, impurity, sickness. The most filthy thing you can think of or feel can be wiped clean as the snow by forgiveness. He is waiting for you to turn your back to the bondage and start seeking Him.

You will discover that the once dark path has speckles of light cascading down and as you put more and more trust in Him that light gets brighter and brighter and before you know it, that light is within YOU …BURSTING forth and now YOU are the helper to those still bound.

Whew!

This world is tough. Tougher than we are, but not tougher than Him. He gave us His armor to protect us when we battle because He knew how badly we would need help. You have to remember to use this gift.

In conclusion, I sit here and many desires fill my heart. There are a couple of things I bring to God many times. Like a revolving door there I am over and over asking Him for these same things. I may not understand how and why He does things the way He does, but when I look back through my past, I am reminded of just how much He has already brought me through and how perfect His ways were. Was it easy? NO WAY!! There were moments I felt I knew way more than He and I wanted this detail changed and today as I reflect I recognize that I would have made it harder. In fact, I have made things harder sometimes. I am trying not to run before Him, and instead learn how to follow. I do not want to miss the appointments that He has set before me. Whether they are at my job, in my ministry, while I am grocery shopping…whatever I decide to do and wherever I am, I want to recognize the hurting people because my heart leaps for joy when He flows through me to lift them out of the pit.

I am stubborn and so very thick headed – which can be both good and bad, but I am learning how to lay down my wants as He guides me onward. Just like Job, He lost so much and I can only imagine how hopeless he felt. I probably would have buckled. To feel so completely abandoned….I feel I can relate….

His story ended by getting back more than was taken which is exactly God’s promise. When you find yourself being stretched so thin and you feel like breaking, remember God is that strength needed to remain steadfast. Be still! It is in the stillness that we are able to hear. He talks to us always and gives us direction, but our ears are focused on too many other things to hear.

Today I am instructed to share something personal. I don’t normally share my journal between God and I. Let me explain…I put on music and just write what I hear. When I reread these words many many times they are the answers I so desperately seek. They are my ultimate treasure. Maybe I will share more, as He instructs. Today I will only share today’s. It may be words that help you as they did me. They are written by me, but are not my words. It sounds so completely crazy, trust me I get it! When I started doing this I was my biggest critic Until I realized they were a map for me. Sometimes I had no idea what it was for until many months later I was instructed to go back and reread certain entries. It was then that what I thought was crazy became something I couldn’t be without. His words are light upon my path.

Here is today’s words and you don’t have to read any further. I understand this was already long enough! That’s my style!!

Whatever you decide, here is a sample of what I call my golden key…

” I am in the valley and on top of that mountain. When you are drowning and gasping for breath, I am the ultimate preserver of life for I bring so much more. I bring fulfillment to your soul, the deepest crevices can be quenched by my Spirit. The desires of your heart are meaningful to me, but my responsibilities are what is needed for your growth in Me. Find your rest in Me first, and things will fall into place without even a thought. The way I see and you see is very different because I see far and wide. I see eternity. Your vision is mush shorter and much more narrow. You know what feels better in the moment, I know what’s best for your long-term. In all of your ways acknowledge Me. I bring the peace you desire. Let Me fill those desires your heart craves. Be patient while you see how I perform in your life. I am your Daddy and I want my daughter to be well in all her ways. Spiritually, Health, Joy, Trust, Peaceful and Filled with Love. I see the rejection you hold and I challenge you to release it to Me. Let Me replace that with My abiding love that will never ever reject or hurt you. You will never be placed to the side. I love you for exactly who you are. You are enough. Continue to let My Spirit flow through you. Your obedience and transparency is what sets the captives around you free. Let your reservations fall, don’t let them bind you. When you seek Me first, I am intertwined in these words. Share your heart and do not be afraid of anything for fear is not of me.”

The Lord your God is with you, the mighty warrior who saves.

Zephaniah 3:17

Ok it’s clear I love to write, writing helps me to see things. I hope you are feeling better than you were. God loves you exactly as you are! I talk to Him like I talk to my friend. I don’t need big words or anything fancy, He knows my heart. When I talk to Him, I feel heard. Sometimes all we need is to be heard. Try it! You may soon discover what a treasure this is!!

Much love 💕