I have been working on a blog for so long now that even my iPhone app knew I needed a push! A random update decided it was time to refresh this app and along with that, my posts were deleted. This makes me laugh because why in the world didn’t I just share them? So today, as I look around my messy bedroom with the pressing knowledge of just how many things I need to accomplish, I will sit and start what God placed on my heart so very long ago. Not only will I do that….I’m promising to actually post it NO MATTER if I think it’s post worthy or not 😊

I’m not sure about the timeline here, so I will just start with today. I’m sure there will be times I post about the past events that have led me to where I am and I’m quite certain that who I am today is made up of these reflections from my past. I am believing that as I share my story, God will be faithful to help not only those who read it, but myself as well. I already know sitting here today what I will write about someday. A lump forms in my throat because I have no desire at this point to write about certain memories, but I will forge ahead with obedience and I know when he says, “Go,” all of the tools, including strength for me will be in place. God has made all of these pieces fit into the person I am today and although I am so far from perfect, He continues to use me right where I’m at.

Today’s battle at hand…my physical body

AHHHHHH! It has been a whirlwind of events for just over two years and my body has seriously taken one hit after another. 5 big surgeries in two years does an overhaul on how you feel daily. Even the strongest of determination can fall short.

In the physical I have lost many pieces of myself (my breasts, lymph nodes, and uterus just to name a few 😉) and even through I don’t really think about what I have gone through, I can see and feel the the repercussions. My body is in an overhaul at the moment and I have to keep my mind above these symptoms because if I give them the time of day, I could very easily talk myself into shutting down and then I would be no good for anyone!!

After my last surgery, after they found EVEN MORE wrong with me, after the 14 pound weight gain in just ONE month after working SO HARD in the gym, after this failed test, and that failed test, after that bad result, that abnormality, after all of these new specialists were added to my menu when I already had enough doctors for 10 people….I crumbled! I had had enough!

In the past I’ve been pretty good with going through the motions, but this last battle did something inside of me. I was SO very tired and I just didn’t want to soldier through anymore. All of these inconveniences and I’m still supposed to maintain some sort of normalcy for my family…. it just seemed so overwhelming at times. I would wonder why there were so many health issues that arose suddenly in my world. It seemed that for every battle I conquered, another was waiting in the shadows. With every victory  my excitement shouted for all to hear….My strength would get stronger and stronger and then I would be blindsided by something else!! I seriously think I should win the Planet Fitness person of the year just based on how many times I have had to start from stratch 😆 (I really don’t even know if this is a true award, but I feel I’ve already won it!)
In all honesty, even though I was faithful and I KNEW his promises I still found myself asking…

What is the purpose, God? This can’t be your best for me!

I’m sure just like me, you have found yourself at a crossroad at some point (or many) in your life. I have had a few of these moments and I am so grateful that God finds me when I feel stranded. For me personally, He uses people, music, nature and writing to get my attention. For instance, a couple nights ago I was at the gym and to put it mildly it was a challenge. I could feel my joints and nerve endings with every step and it was hard to be encouraged to keep going!! Not a coincidence that two days before I was buying various albums for our youth services when the band wasn’t available. I bought so much music that day that I never went through each song. Well in God’s perfect timing, ‘You’re going to be OK’ by Jenn Johnson came through my playlist (link below). Now remember I am at the gym…to be accurate, my favorite part of the gym which is the massage chair, but that’s beside the point…SO I’m getting a massage and my full attention is on the lyrics of this beautiful song. It was one of those moments when you just soak up what God is promising. like this song was written just for ME!! As the tears formed in the corner of my eyes, I knew I was going to be ok!

Even though my body was seriously trying to suck the life out of me…even though my joy was getting harder to find…even though it required more effort to smile because smiling is hard when it hurts….God kept pressing upon my heart to not give up my hope for a brighter day. He created me to be victorious! Sometimes I just need reminders…. A LOT of reminders!

There is a whole list of things I cannot change, so I decided to make a list of things I CAN CHANGE!

1.  I can continue to go to the gym. Yes, at this moment it seems almost silly when it hurts (no pain, no gain…right?😉) I figure anything I can do there, no matter how small is forward motion and going forward is much better than sitting idle! *** praise report*** when I first went back to the gym I couldn’t even let my heart rate go over 105 and I literally had to hold on to the treadmill as if I were hanging from a cliff….well last night it was 129 and although I didn’t feel perfect…I stayed standing and a couple of times I even had a little dance in my walk!!!!!! Thankful moment right there 😊

2. I can change my habits. This is huge!! From how I speak to how I eat… I am happy to report I have made a step to eat better. I was already a pretty healthy eater… I even earned the title of hippie from my husband, but I knew there had to be something I was missing and if nothing else, I’m learning to listen to how I feel and figure out what I can do to help! I realized that I felt a bit worse when I eat a lot of gluten so I am trying to gradually minimize this and see if there are any improvements. I’ll keep you updated on that one 😊

3. I can take the diagnosises as knowledge instead of a label. This gives me control when I feel at a loss. When I feel the effects, I build myself up with vitamins and minerals. That along with my faith puts me in the driver’s seat. I have many labels on my medical record and I’ll probably never be able to buy a reasonable life insurance plan, but God’s insurance is much more secure! It is not His will that my body is struggling. I will continue to press forward in my walk of faith! I am so tremendously thankful for the relationship I have with Him…Without it I know FOR SURE I would have given up. When I have been depleted, He has carried me and filled me with His strength. My world lately has been very unstable to say the least, yet He has remained the constant. His promises provide the most solid foundation even when the storms of life come ripping through.

4. I can use this journey to help others. If you need prayer or someone just to listen, feel free to send me a message. In the many trials I have walked through lately, one of the gifts to me has been the many connections that have been made because of them. Both with new friendships and the strengthing of others. My heart feels like a patchwork quilt made up of each person that has enriched my life over the years. Each piece is beautifully unique and I am forever grateful for each and every one!!

God bless you and thank you for taking your time to read a snippet of my life. 

Here’s the link to the song mentioned above: https://youtu.be/F-1nFAae5To