Even though rejection has followed me throughout my life, I don’t like to be trapped in it. It’s not something I even like to talk about because I don’t like to dredge up those feelings of hurt. If I don’t actively keep my eyes focused on The Lord, I find myself judging myself with negative talk and nobody has time for that!
The reason I share today is to bring hope.
Looking back at my life, I can clearly see how rejection had a strong hold on me. Because of this, my emotions and how I viewed things became altered. I had myself convinced that absolutely no one would truly love me….the chances of them leaving my life were large so I was always guarded.
That was so hard for a person who honestly loves people.
I would try so hard to be the best I could be, but it was never good enough when I looked in the mirror. My trust issues were started at a very young age and the older I got, those issues intertwined into my relationships.
In my early twenties, I started to draw closer to God. Do you think all of those feelings just fell off from me because I went to church? I wish I could say that they did. Here I was this young girl getting ready to become a mom for the first time and trying to figure out who God really was in my life. It was so hard for me to truly trust Him. I didn’t know what that even felt like.
As I write this today more than 20 years later, I am amazed at how much He has used the absolute most painful parts of my life to help someone who is stuck. This is truly how He healed me. When I would share my story with someone who was completely broken and see a slice of hope flicker in their eye, a layer of my past would fall to the ground. I had many layers. In all honesty, I believe we all have past hurts that we bring into our relationships. This is why we hurt one another…not intentionally, just because we are acting from that emotion.
I will be transparent for a moment and share with you one of my layers. I was given up for adoption at birth and have always had the greatest desire to have a relationship with my birth mother. I would write poems about her, I would dream about her, and I thought about her most days. I don’t like to ask for things at all, but this is the one thing I would pray for over and over throughout my life. To make a long story short, I decided to do a DNA kit and purposed it in my heart that I would find my birth parents in 2017. I made a Facebook post and it was shared so many times with the hopes of finding this missing piece of myself. Well, the DNA kit worked! I had my father’s name in 3 months and a month after that, my mother’s name. I was OVER THE MOON! After almost 42 years of wondering “my” moment was here!
Except it wasn’t.
Let’s take a short pause…I know you can tell where this is going, but I don’t want anything that I say to reflect badly on either one of them. I have no judgements in my heart against them. Remember I am writing this so you can feel my side, but just remember they have their own story as well…
So as you’ve probably figured out already…Neither of them would like to meet me at this time. While that completely devastated my excitement initially, I fully understand now. It took me really having to examine myself because instantly that rejection wanted to grab ahold of me yet again, BUT GOD WAS STRONGER. He wrapped His loving arms around me and reminded me that I was His daughter first. That He chose me and that I was good enough. It quieted the lies and allowed me to truly be able to pray for their hurts and see it from their perspective versus just my own.
I still believe I will one day get that reunion. Even though it’s what I want right at this very moment, God knows better so I pray and ask Him to guide me. Daily!! My birthday is in a couple of days and that always seemed to be a day that I dreaded. Not anymore!! I am going to celebrate me! I am thankful I was able to be granted life…What a gift my mother gave me. She sacrificed her own feelings to bring me into this world. I can’t even imagine what she felt or how scared she was. So my prayer is completely on God restoring her. I mean she may not think of me as often as I do her, but I’m sure sometimes she does and instead of feeling sadness, guilt, or hurt…I’m praying for God to overflow in her a feeling of acceptance and SO MUCH love.
Being free from a binding past is a huge milestone as it allows you to lay down those hurts and for me only God had the strength to break those chains in my life.
Look forward my friends!! We are not meant to be stuck in our past hurts! God has so much more for you…you just have to walk towards Him! When you feel that ugly feeling of rejection remember that you are indeed accepted JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!!
Much love 💕
carissasmiles 