Month: July 2017

Since the day I first learned I was adopted, I dreamed of locating my birth family. Who did I look like, what was my history? That longing has never left, sometimes it would get stronger, especially on my birthday and Mother's Day, but it was always a part of my heart.

I loved my dad and mom who raised me. I was adopted at a very early age so to me they very much earned the title of dad and mom. I will forever be a "Daddy's Girl" and I'm so thankful for both of them. They were always honest with me about what they knew and said they would support my decision to look if I ever felt led.

Over the years I would do small things…I guess you could call them mini steps in trying to search for my birth family. I would put my information on sites that had success stories of the "grand" reunion. I paid the court for papers that I was hoping could give me even just a slice of information. I would write poetry, my heart captured on a simple pieces of paper. I would dream, I would hope…eventually days turned to years and before I knew it I was a mother myself with three beautiful children. Even though my life was filled with a new kind of love, I still longed to know my beginning. Yes, my beginning is God and He is the one who ultimately created me, but I wanted to know my starting point here.

I started thinking of DNA kits a lot. I wasn't sure why they were in my mind, but I started researching them. When I did, I would get so excited to read the stories of how it worked for so many people. When the thoughts of these kits wouldn't leave my mind, I felt it was a path I was supposed to take.

I talked first with my husband and my children to make sure they would be okay with me doing this. They were excited so then I wanted to make sure my mom would be okay as well. Since my Dad is living with Jesus, I wanted her to feel secure and not have any hurts about this. I let everyone know that just because it was what I wanted, it didn't mean it was what everyone else wanted….remember that line…it may just come up later.

So I bought my kit on January 1, 2017 as my New Year's Resolution. The resolution was that I would find my birth family this year. It was one resolution I intended to keep!!! I made a Facebook post as well because now I have officially jumped on board here. I was ALL IN!! I was shocked when 6800 people shared that post! People would share it from so many states! It was bigger than I ever imagined it could be! My excitement was so high I could hardly lasso it! Immediately this "famous" Facebook post brought forth an individual who thought he was my brother. He went through a great friend of mine and I'm telling you, I became a cyber-stalker for the first time in my life. Now mind you, this particular friend of mine has A LOT of friends, but some miraculous way I narrowed it down and found this potential brother. Well now, this had me tearing through what I could see to find his parents and just because there were a couple of similarities, I was certain they were my family. I am horrified that I am admitting in a very public place that I even had their pictures saved on my phone in their very own album. This is how much I believed we had found them. When the stories didn't quite line up and I had to delete those pictures, I felt so many things from embarrassment to guilt to feeling let down that it wasn't them. Then the remembrance that I had literally stalked innocent people…well cyber stalking..not like legit stalking, but still I felt like a creep…so if you are that person, I am so sorry. I really am. I guess since you were the very first lead, I ran forward and I didn't look back! I'm sure if I saw you in person my face would register that I knew you because of how real that was!

On January 4th, I spit in the little container and said a prayer. I sent it off the next morning…it was literally freezing so I even googled if DNA can be read still if it freezes into a cube…Needless to say…it probably did freeze into a cube and they were still able to give me results. 😲

I checked that ancestry app of mine so much! How long was this going to take? Didn't they understand I had waited forever for this information? I totally was sympathetic to all those who waited for their results before me and even to all of those going after me! Waiting in this particular moment was grueling!

Finally in the beginning of March, I received an email that my results were in!! I opened it and I was so confused. Since excitement trumped just about every other thing at that moment, that was just a minor detail so I poured over what I could figure out in my own small knowledge about DNA.

This little chart didn't do too much, but it was the first piece that I had to my puzzle. It may not have been the corner pieces that I needed, but eventually all of these random pieces would make sense…at least I hoped so.

I found that ancestry had located many cousins and one of which was a 1st cousin. I tried to contact them letting them know they were a match, but that I literally knew nothing other than that. When I realized that these messages weren't going anywhere, google once again was my helper. I had to have a subscription…Well thankfully there was a free trial so I signed up and the very next day I was contacted by a cousin.

It was cool to read things as she was trying to figure out who I was in the family. Well it sure didn't take her more than a couple days and she messaged me that she not only knew who my biological father was, but she had spoken to him!

Okay, as much as I want to share the amazing details, I can't at this time as I respect the privacy of both my biological mother and my biological father.

I will say the way I learned of who they were was pretty amazing and God is weaved throughout this story. Maybe someday I can share the unbelievable way that these connections were made!

When I first learned of who my biological mother is…. I was nervous because I had already gotten myself let down from the first people whom I thought were my bio family. Well, that fear was put to rest when I was sent pictures of her from her high school yearbook.

I will share this one particular story…it was a Sunday evening and I remember I was laughing with my husband and my girls. Although I can't remember why we were laughing so hard I just remember laughing as I looked down at my phone that had just dinged. The picture sent to me made that laughter turn to tears in one second. It probably looked pretty awkward as I went from laughter to crying, but I was staring at this picture that looked just like me! For the first time in my life I looked like someone other than my very own children! My heart grew at that moment. This was her and there was absolutely no way anyone could deny that!

So yes, I know who both my biological mother and my biological father are. I have been blessed to know some details about the extended family and I know that they have both been contacted about me. At this time, there has been no grand reunions, and although this is something I have been searching for, for as long as I can remember, I am content knowing what I know. Just because it is something I want, doesn't mean it's what someone else may want…. I told you that line would come up again 😉 I have written my biological mom a letter, but I haven't mailed it…maybe it was written more for my healing…I'm not quite sure…maybe that will be another page in my book.

I know that this story isn't over. I believe this with all of my heart. However it plays out, I am thankful for the chapter I am in right now. Whenever I think about this man and woman who gave me life, I pray for them…I pray that if my existence brought pain into their life, that God would reward them now for the sacrifices they made way back then, especially my birth mother who carried me for nine months, still a young girl herself. An unselfish act that I will forever be grateful for. 💕

What drives you? No matter my age…no matter what stage of life I was in, it seemed that I was always struggling with finding my purpose.

Since I am just one small voice in this beautiful world, One teeny tiny voice in this melody of life…A voice I hear all the time…why in the world would anyone even care what I think, what I feel, or what my opinions are?

How can the little things I do even make a difference?

I am a huge believer in being an encourager. Sometimes being reassured is more powerful than the words being spoken. Sometimes it gives you the jump you need when you have stalled out. In a world full of judgement, I know that a small token of encouragement has the ability to change the course!

So many people today are living in hopeless situations…Depression has taken over who they once were, a sick body has worn out their beautiful soul, fear has bound them up with no hope for the future, or sadly abuse has stolen their voice and left them a shell of who they once were.

These are just some examples of situations that make us feel so alone. You soon believe the lie that not one person could ever understand what you are going through…or even care for that matter.
These situations…these thoughts…they have the ability to isolate you.

Encouragers have the ability to set these captives free! That "small" gesture you do may just be more powerful than the chains binding them.

Although we don't always know who the hurt ones are around us, we can challenge ourselves to show kindness always. There's a great chance you will impact someone and you may not even know them! How rewarding is that!

I would say, that right there is a "purpose"

If today has you struggling, please don't give up! You may not see it or feel it today, but you are needed! You have a purpose! Someone honestly needs what only you have to offer. My past is made of up many stories, some are memories that painted a beautiful imprint and others were laced with heartache. Both have left their marks upon my heart.

I once was wrapped up in heavy chains and I vividly remember what it felt like not being able to see freedom. My voice was silenced by fear and I had absolutely no hope. It was the people whom God had placed around me that lead me out. They encouraged me! The amazing part here was that at that particular time in my life I wasn't as close to God as I am today, yet He cared so much for me….which is exactly as much as He cares for you 💕

This video (I'm so sorry it's not the greatest quality) was taken at a youth conference we just attended. It is that same beautiful song I shared with you on my last entry! These girls did great capturing the emotion of this song. Enjoy 💕

Sometimes we put such high expectations on this word. The world looks at success as joy. Can money buy this coveted happiness?

 Or does Joy look like a child’s face after opening the gift they’ve waited so long for? 

Maybe… or maybe Joy looks like that same child’s face after they give away that gift to someone who needed it more. Now, I surely am not saying that Joy comes only after we give away our things…if that were the case, I would be rummaging through my house looking for pieces to give away instead of sitting here writing. However, I have found that after I give something or do something for someone else this beautiful emotion fills my heart. It sure feels like joy to me. It feels like an internal smile…the biggest, warmest smile!

As I look around my house right now, my music coming through my speakers,  I see many things that once brought me joy when they were brand new. Things that I thought were so pretty and at first I would display them so very proudly. Every time I would walk in the room, I would be excited at the beauty of this new treasure. 

 After some time though, that treasure would stop standing out. I wouldn’t notice it as much as before. Instead of stopping to appreciate the beauty, it suddenly was average. My once sparkling, beautiful treasure became as plain as the carpeting on the floor…

Where did that feeling go? Why wasn’t it so special to me as it once was? 

I’m sure I’m not alone when I confess I’ve tried to find my joy in relationships, in my possessions, in my profession, in my fur babies….

Although there IS joy in my relationships and also at my job…and I can’t deny that my fur babies definitely lift my mood, but God has been showing me HIS joy! The joy that comes from within. The joy that stands firm and remains even when things want to rip up my world as I knew it. That knowing that no mater what happens, He will fill my heart with joy to get through. 

He promised that joy comes in the morning and I have had to test him on that. Nights have a way of making your mind go on overdrive and joy is like a distant star that I almost don’t even recognize.  It feels hopeless, it hurts, I can’t see the answer…the direction…..yet when I wake up that next morning it feels fresher! The heavy weight from the night before is so much lighter. Yes, I may still be tired, but it seems so much easier to take a breath and rise up to tackle one more day! 

Even in the times when my life feels monotonous and it feels that I do the same exact thing day after day after day after day…I sometimes have to stop myself…

In these mundane tasks it is hard to find joy because I just go through the motions and my mind is seriously either thinking of nothing or it’s grumbling about why people can’t pick up after themselves!! 😆 The joy here is a busy family coming and going! I am working on being thankful for these tasks and messes. ❤️

There is so much evidence in the Bible that tells us just how much Jesus wanted us to be filled with joy… 

Joy comes in the morning

The joy of The Lord is my strength

A cheerful look brings joy to the heart

When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul

Always be joyful

In Your Presence is fullness of joy

There are many others, but the pattern I see here is The Lord knew just how tough things can get so one of the tools he equips us with is joy to get through it all. 

Our lives are busier than the generations before us and our expectations are intense! Sadly, we sometimes get caught up leaping from one event to the next and sometimes we leap right over our joy! 

Today I encourage you to stop even if it’s for only 5 minutes. Think about what brings you joy. 

Something that brought me great joy was when my husband took me to the Mackinaw Bridge. Now, I had been there and gone over it many times in my childhood, but I hadn’t been there in quite a few years. It was so beautiful and I remember as I sat watching the waves roll in that joy filled my heart. It was a moment that I wanted to just stay in. I am a water baby so water brings me the most peace. 

I was so thankful that my husband took me there. I was recovering from a double masectomy and I needed a break from all of the medical that had invaded my space. Brad knew this and gave me a gift that I still treasure to this day and it’s been two years! Abundant joy. 

I pray today that no matter what you are going through, that joy invades your space!! 💕

Well, today I will talk about what the next steps are for me in reguards to my health. Not every post here will be medically related, but some will be as it is part of my story. I’m sure in the posts ahead I will talk about the beginning of this craiziness, but today I will focus on my next steps.  I hope that as you follow my journey you can feel my humor even when it seems impossible to find laughter. God has been my lighthouse during all of this and because of Him, I am filled with joy. I will never lie and tell you it’s been easy because it’s been far from easy. Sometimes it’s been tough. Sometimes it felt tougher than my strength could handle. However, when I am ready to tap out, He is ready to finish the good fight for me.

On to the details…all this medical jargon is so boring, but to give you the full praise report you must first know how hopeless things can sound and look at times.

I recently had an EMG dealing with my autonomic system…I totally had to ask what an autonomic system was! It is the things you never think about. Blinking, your heart rate, your nervous system…pretty much they were correct… I had never thought about it at all!  After I had met with the Stroke Neurologist at the UofM, he had decided I needed this test.

The day of this test we were running early. Well thank goodness because finding the right check in place took SO LONG!! We finally found where they perform EMG’s and I signed in. Before I could even sit down, they told me I wasn’t registered there. That feeling of dread had me thinking…oh no! We just drove almost two hours, my husband took the day off…GULP!!!! She soon figured out that I was having a “special” EMG and sent me back down to the Neuro floor. WHEW!!! Thank goodness I didn’t screw up the day!

So the test came and part of it was uncomfortable, but not too bad. It was long as they performed multiple tests. For the last test, a Neurologist that I hadn’t met came in as it was performed. He explained that I did well on some of the tests, but there was one particular test..a sweat test that I guess I failed on each site. He talked about the possibly of small fiber neuropathy and said he would talk with my Neuro about these results and someone would get back with me. Well, they did and my next step will be seeing that very same Neurologist I met that day. I guess He is a Neuromuscular Specialist and I will be seeing him next month.

Let me take you back just a couple of months so you can understand why I even needed to see this neurologist…

Some of you may know, but others may not that after my last surgery, things just didn’t go quite as planned. Something was seriously wrong because every time I stood up, it felt like I wasn’t getting enough blood to my head and I felt like I was going to pass out. I had episodes like this over and over, even once during church which was so frightening that we decided to go to the local ER. Well, since I had just had a surgery they assumed I was just dehydrated and pumped me with fluids and I was home that evening. Instead of feeling better though, each day I would feel worse until one day even moving positions on the couch made me feel like I was going to pass out. Since I was home alone it was scary because I surely didn’t want my children coming home and finding their mother passed out. One of my sweet friends knew I wasn’t myself and she offered to take me to a different hospital. Well I don’t like relying on people and I had just gone 4 days earlier and was sent home so I almost didn’t go. To make a super long story short I went and was admitted after my blood pressure and heart rate would be unsteady if I stood up or moved.

This picture is definitely not a frame worthy photo, but it clearly shows how much things have improved since this day! Even though this was just over a week after my surgery, I had no pain medications in my system…the look here is sheer exhaustion.

I had no idea at that time what was going on I just knew it was something I had never gone through before. When the feelings would come I knew that I couldn’t panic during those times as that would surely raise my blood pressure so I learned how to soothe myself in times that fear could have easily taken over. I would speak quietly to God telling Him how very much I needed him at that moment. I knew my family was scared and that made me so angry that I couldn’t soothe them with an answer. I tried SO HARD to push myself out of those episodes, but there was literally nothing I could do to change it. My husband saw the weariness and He would sit by the side of that hospital bed and just pray. I was thankful that our church streams live because on that Sunday I needed a boost! That particular Sunday our Pastor’s wife was speaking. I sat on my bed using my iPhone as a personal television and I tuned in. You can clearly see His peace in this picture and this was only a couple days after the picture above! Even though the path ahead is still uncertain, the greatest security lies in the fact that I will never have to walk it alone.

After extensive testing, They came up with the diagnosis of a hole in my heart, mitral valve regurgitation, and a spot on my brain that may have been a stroke. I had to have another test where they went down my throat to look at my heart from an inside view and from that test the cardio team here said that the hole they thought was small was large and there also was moderate shunting which was allowing both my unfiltered and filtered blood to mix and get pumped to all of my organs. Their recommendation was to get this closed by going through my groin immediately and inserting a device to close that hole as another stroke could happen at any time.

HOLD ON!!!!! I am literally a ticking time bomb???

Those words were literally brutal in my mind. I had already gone back to work and even though I was feeling quite dreadful, I was so proud that I was back and being able to talk to others about what they were going through instead of just focusing on my problems helped me tremendously. Now those words had me gripped…how would I know when? What if I was driving my car? What if I was working with one of my school kiddos? To be completely honest at that time I only drove my car to and from work because I didn’t want to be behind the wheel and injure innocent people.

I had all of this information, I had a cardiologist who my husband and I both thought highly of who would implant this device, I had probably the most scary symptoms I have ever had, but what I didn’t have was a peace to go through with this procedure. I know it probably sounds so completely crazy to someone reading this, but I knew I needed more time. A person who was practically told she could have another stroke at any time needs more time??? Was I losing it? A couple of co-workers suggested I get a second opinion and at first that seemed too large of a task because it took so much to get to this point. I didn’t want my family to go through more, but eventually I called the U of M and got right in!

Their opinion at first was that I hold off on the closure until we had the whole picture. My body had gone through a lot and they respected my wishes that I didn’t feel right about getting this device. They are the ones who referred me to the Stroke Neuro for further testing. I actually got to see them all in the same day due to a cancellation so that was nice and during that whirlwind of appointments all in the same day they said the most beautiful words, “You are not a ticking time bomb!”

Thank you, Jesus!!!! What freedom those words offered….driving, exercising again, breathing, FREEDOM!!! I closed my eyes and it felt like I was removing a sash that had the word FEAR across it!

In the meantime I have had just a few tests 😉 and one of which revealed I was allergic to the device that was going to be implanted in the center of my heart!! The allergist said this would have been a disaster if I had would have had the surgery. This small device pictured below would have caused so much turmoil in a system that is already in fight mode:

This is the reason I didn’t have a peace.  God was guiding me onto a different path and even though it looked and felt that I may be traveling in the wrong direction, He continued to hold my hand and guide me forward. I am so thankful for His wisdom. I am thankful He gives great wisdom to doctors when we need them.  I am thankful He gives rest to the weary.

One more positive report came recently! What was called a possible stroke from the scans here was looked at in great detail at the UofM. At this time, the neurologist who specializes in strokes sees that spot on my cerebellum, but he does NOT believe it came from a stroke. We are in the process of figuring out what it actually is, but it not being called a stroke frees me from having to close the hole in my heart at this time in his opinion. The cardio teams are still collaborating on their recommendations, but at this moment it grants my body more time to rest no matter what may come. Each day my body gets even stronger! Because I am allergic to the “easier way” it would probably have to be open heart if we were to focus on the hole. My prayer has and will continue to be complete healing and I hold on to the words He gives others on my behalf. Those words of wisdom increase not only my faith, but the faith of my family as well! Speaking of them, God has blessed me with great love with these people! My husband of 21 years, three beautiful children, and two puff balls we call dogs!! I am surely blessed!!

Thanks for reading more of my story and I am so inspired by the encouragement to keep going! Long ago I started writing a book, but life happened and I put it down. Maybe someday I will pick up where I left off… until then, may God’s peace be upon you! Much love 💕 

I have been working on a blog for so long now that even my iPhone app knew I needed a push! A random update decided it was time to refresh this app and along with that, my posts were deleted. This makes me laugh because why in the world didn’t I just share them? So today, as I look around my messy bedroom with the pressing knowledge of just how many things I need to accomplish, I will sit and start what God placed on my heart so very long ago. Not only will I do that….I’m promising to actually post it NO MATTER if I think it’s post worthy or not 😊

I’m not sure about the timeline here, so I will just start with today. I’m sure there will be times I post about the past events that have led me to where I am and I’m quite certain that who I am today is made up of these reflections from my past. I am believing that as I share my story, God will be faithful to help not only those who read it, but myself as well. I already know sitting here today what I will write about someday. A lump forms in my throat because I have no desire at this point to write about certain memories, but I will forge ahead with obedience and I know when he says, “Go,” all of the tools, including strength for me will be in place. God has made all of these pieces fit into the person I am today and although I am so far from perfect, He continues to use me right where I’m at.

Today’s battle at hand…my physical body

AHHHHHH! It has been a whirlwind of events for just over two years and my body has seriously taken one hit after another. 5 big surgeries in two years does an overhaul on how you feel daily. Even the strongest of determination can fall short.

In the physical I have lost many pieces of myself (my breasts, lymph nodes, and uterus just to name a few 😉) and even through I don’t really think about what I have gone through, I can see and feel the the repercussions. My body is in an overhaul at the moment and I have to keep my mind above these symptoms because if I give them the time of day, I could very easily talk myself into shutting down and then I would be no good for anyone!!

After my last surgery, after they found EVEN MORE wrong with me, after the 14 pound weight gain in just ONE month after working SO HARD in the gym, after this failed test, and that failed test, after that bad result, that abnormality, after all of these new specialists were added to my menu when I already had enough doctors for 10 people….I crumbled! I had had enough!

In the past I’ve been pretty good with going through the motions, but this last battle did something inside of me. I was SO very tired and I just didn’t want to soldier through anymore. All of these inconveniences and I’m still supposed to maintain some sort of normalcy for my family…. it just seemed so overwhelming at times. I would wonder why there were so many health issues that arose suddenly in my world. It seemed that for every battle I conquered, another was waiting in the shadows. With every victory  my excitement shouted for all to hear….My strength would get stronger and stronger and then I would be blindsided by something else!! I seriously think I should win the Planet Fitness person of the year just based on how many times I have had to start from stratch 😆 (I really don’t even know if this is a true award, but I feel I’ve already won it!)
In all honesty, even though I was faithful and I KNEW his promises I still found myself asking…

What is the purpose, God? This can’t be your best for me!

I’m sure just like me, you have found yourself at a crossroad at some point (or many) in your life. I have had a few of these moments and I am so grateful that God finds me when I feel stranded. For me personally, He uses people, music, nature and writing to get my attention. For instance, a couple nights ago I was at the gym and to put it mildly it was a challenge. I could feel my joints and nerve endings with every step and it was hard to be encouraged to keep going!! Not a coincidence that two days before I was buying various albums for our youth services when the band wasn’t available. I bought so much music that day that I never went through each song. Well in God’s perfect timing, ‘You’re going to be OK’ by Jenn Johnson came through my playlist (link below). Now remember I am at the gym…to be accurate, my favorite part of the gym which is the massage chair, but that’s beside the point…SO I’m getting a massage and my full attention is on the lyrics of this beautiful song. It was one of those moments when you just soak up what God is promising. like this song was written just for ME!! As the tears formed in the corner of my eyes, I knew I was going to be ok!

Even though my body was seriously trying to suck the life out of me…even though my joy was getting harder to find…even though it required more effort to smile because smiling is hard when it hurts….God kept pressing upon my heart to not give up my hope for a brighter day. He created me to be victorious! Sometimes I just need reminders…. A LOT of reminders!

There is a whole list of things I cannot change, so I decided to make a list of things I CAN CHANGE!

1.  I can continue to go to the gym. Yes, at this moment it seems almost silly when it hurts (no pain, no gain…right?😉) I figure anything I can do there, no matter how small is forward motion and going forward is much better than sitting idle! *** praise report*** when I first went back to the gym I couldn’t even let my heart rate go over 105 and I literally had to hold on to the treadmill as if I were hanging from a cliff….well last night it was 129 and although I didn’t feel perfect…I stayed standing and a couple of times I even had a little dance in my walk!!!!!! Thankful moment right there 😊

2. I can change my habits. This is huge!! From how I speak to how I eat… I am happy to report I have made a step to eat better. I was already a pretty healthy eater… I even earned the title of hippie from my husband, but I knew there had to be something I was missing and if nothing else, I’m learning to listen to how I feel and figure out what I can do to help! I realized that I felt a bit worse when I eat a lot of gluten so I am trying to gradually minimize this and see if there are any improvements. I’ll keep you updated on that one 😊

3. I can take the diagnosises as knowledge instead of a label. This gives me control when I feel at a loss. When I feel the effects, I build myself up with vitamins and minerals. That along with my faith puts me in the driver’s seat. I have many labels on my medical record and I’ll probably never be able to buy a reasonable life insurance plan, but God’s insurance is much more secure! It is not His will that my body is struggling. I will continue to press forward in my walk of faith! I am so tremendously thankful for the relationship I have with Him…Without it I know FOR SURE I would have given up. When I have been depleted, He has carried me and filled me with His strength. My world lately has been very unstable to say the least, yet He has remained the constant. His promises provide the most solid foundation even when the storms of life come ripping through.

4. I can use this journey to help others. If you need prayer or someone just to listen, feel free to send me a message. In the many trials I have walked through lately, one of the gifts to me has been the many connections that have been made because of them. Both with new friendships and the strengthing of others. My heart feels like a patchwork quilt made up of each person that has enriched my life over the years. Each piece is beautifully unique and I am forever grateful for each and every one!!

God bless you and thank you for taking your time to read a snippet of my life. 

Here’s the link to the song mentioned above: https://youtu.be/F-1nFAae5To